Even Angel's Aren't Bulletproof
by The Almighty Shipper
Summary: Film Noir Version Of Gravity Falls
1. The Click Clack Of Heels

When you're a kid everything seems like a fairytale, and you expect it to last, but life has a way of ripping all that innocence apart, I never figured my life would turn out this way, a private detective, I had the grades to be in harvard but I had a problem with following their rules as well as coming up with their money. So now I'm the guy you call for cheating husbands or wives, the guy you call for scandalous photos, the guy you call do to you dirty work for you. Name's Mason but everyone and I mean everyone calls me Dipper, I don't know why but it stuck. It was just like any other ordinary day me sitting in my office waiting for a case I knew would never come, business had been slow for the past week or two, so I didn't really a lot of hope of finding one at this time of night. To tell you the truth though I needed a case bad, my rent was due and the bourbon was expensive, I'd give anything for a case right now.

My office was small but it was the best I could afford, just a simple office layout one dark mahogany desk, on top was a small little radio but it barely ever worked, an ashtray for my cigarettes or my clients. Two leather chairs in front of my desk incase I had two clients who decided to show up or if I had gotten stuck with a divorce case. It wasn't much but it paid the bills as well as the bourbon. The secretary desk out in the lobby was mostly for show, I could never afford a secretary, at least not one that would put up with me. Finally on a reasonably shabby door at the end of a reasonably shabby corridor in the sort of building it read in yellow paint Mason "Dipper" Pines Private Investigator.

You don't get rich in this racket, sometimes you get beaten up, or shot at or in my case tossed in the jailhouse once or twice. In my job you meet a lot of people, some you hate, some you love. Either way they have one thing in common, that being that this city had strangled or stolen any innocence they had to begin with. You look at this city and to anyone else it shines as bright as a diamond but it's faker than cubic zirconia, Ironic for those who call this place the golden city. The beauty of Gravity Falls only masks its ruthlessness, she'll laugh as you fall and she'll kick you when your down then walk away with the next gullible sucker and do it all over again.

I take a drag on my cigarette, yeah I know they're bad for me but who gives a damn these days, as I take a drag on my cigarette I hear the click clack sound of heels against the steps leading up to my office. The click clacking sounds against the marble floor of the outer office seemed to stop just as a silhouette appears before my door. Smoke escapes the mouth of the silhouette. I hear a knock on the door.

"Come in" I say.

She walked in wearing nothing but a chandelier, nothing but the best for this dame, beautiful long purple skirt, creamy white over coat, her hands concealed in shiny black leather gloves, and cuban heel stockings over her already beautiful and toned legs. She had a flower in on top of her little hat, the kind that looked like a tea cup. Yeah she was every mans dream, but I knew underneath all that makeup and fine clothing was nothing but trouble just waiting to be unleashed. For a second she didn't say anything, then she decided to break the silence with her voice, god that voice...it still enticed me to this day. The voice of Pacifica Northwest.

"I know you probably don't care to see me, but I need your help" She said making her way in front of my desk.

"Than I'd say you guessed right" I insulted back.

"Ugh you're drinking again" Said Pacifica with disgust.

"You're pretending to care again" I shot back with no mercy.

"I didn't come her to put up with your attitude" She said again with equal disgust.

"Then leave" I said.

"No I came here asking for your help, and if you give a damn, you'll take the job" Said Pacifica.

"Well considering I need the money, what do you got for me?" I asked.

"Mabel's missing" Pacifica said a hint of sorrow in her voice since she and my sister Mabel had become good friends, but Mabel was always an odd one, so this didn't surprise me. She probably got caught up one of her "Adventures" knowing how optimistically she looked at life, I wish I could look at life that way.

"That's nothing knew" I said hiding my secret regret.

"You bastard, she's your sister for god sakes, don't you care?" Asked Pacifica with disgust.

I didn't answer her.

"While you've been withering away, she's been making something of herself, staring up her own charity, helping those who needed help" Pacifica said trying to sell me a sob story.

"Insulting me is not a way to get me to do a service for you, just be frank with me, you need something done and I need the money" I said flatly.

"Fine, I guess I do need you, I am sorry it's just I'm so worried about Mabel, she's been like a sister to me even when I was horrible to her back when we first met" Said Pacific as I saw slight tears forming in her eyes. I tried not to show it but I did feel bad for her.

"Alright, alright there's no need for tears, you got me, I'm on the case, of course I need you to pay me upfront, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just customary" I explained.

"Yes, yes I know, I'm not proud to admit this but, this wouldn't be the first time I went to a private investigator" Said Pacifica opening her shiny black purse.

"How much do I owe you?" Asked Pacifica.

"A hundred bucks a day plus expenses" I said.

"Done" Said Pacifica handing me two hundred dollars.

As soon as I pocketed the money Pacifica caught me off guard when she wrapped her arms around me, it was warm and welcoming it's what you would expect from her if you were lucky to receive an embrace from her.

"Thank you for giving a damn" Pacifica whispered in my ear before she turned around and left.

So I found myself employed by the woman of my dreams, and a hundred bucks a day didn't seem to shabby either. It was late in the afternoon, perfect hours for someone like me. I knew a few places I could check out, the first place would be the cop shop, I did surprise me that Pacifica would bypass the police and come straight to me. So I decided to give one of my friends a call, an exchange of information for a "contribution". I tell ya it pays to have friends on the force.

*Authors Note: More On the Way tell me what you think.


	2. A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

I walked down the street the late fog of the Gravity Falls was just starting to come in as it usually does in late september. The small town was unusually quiet, it was so quiet the sound that could be heard were my footsteps and the slow burning sound as I took a drag off of my cigarette, I'm trying to finish it before I make it to the police station, Candy hates to see me smoke. Candy has always put her faith in my better judgment, she often made that mistake. I finally make it to the Police Station and as soon as I walk in I get dirty looks from most of the officers, the only smile I see in this depressing place is the one that comes over Candy's face when she sees me. Even though her father, who is the Commissioner, isn't as thrilled as she is.

"The hell are you doing here Dipper? Shouldn't you be taking some photos that ruin a perfectly happy marriage?" Said Candy's father.

"I'm not here to trade words with you Commissioner, I've come to see your daughter" I said as I tried to get past him but he blocked my path once more.

"Oh no you don't, you've been leading my little girl on for too long Dipper, I don't understand why she hasn't kicked your sorry ass to the curb yet" Said Candy's father as he got red in the face over his rant.

"Father, I think I can pick out who I wish to see, and I 'd like to hear what Dipper has to say, in private of course" Said Candy moving past her father and leading me to a more private place.

Candy certainly had filled out in some areas, though her clothing and the way she presented herself made her look like a bookworm, her shiny black hair in a cute bun, her glasses in front of her grey eyes. She gave off the impression of being too smart for her own good.

"It's been too long, Dipper, what's the occasion?" Asked Candy.

"Mabel's pulled one of her disappearing acts" I said coldly.

"She never was one to sit still and wait for things to happen" Said Candy turning her back to me.

"I just came to tell you the bad news Candy, afterall I knew you and my sister were close and all" I said feeling a little bad.

"Yeah normally I would just wait for her to come home but I Pacifica was willing to pay top dollar for me to find her. It must be pretty serious," I explained.

"Oh Dipper, why do you still associate with her, everytime you get mixed up with her it always leads to trouble?" Said Candy, in a clear jealous tone.

"That's funny, that's what your father said about me" I joked.

"But that doesn't make him right" Said Candy trying to flirt.

"What you really need is everything we have on Mabel, people she hangs out with, last known locations, where she frequented, cause both you and I both know she's made her way through this town more than once since those two summers when we were kids" Said Candy as she made her way to a file cabinet.

"That's true, those could help too" I said.

Candy handed me the file they had on my sister, not that she had done anything too bad in the past, it's just me and Mabel didn't see each other as much as we used to so I asked Candy the locals to keep tabs on her, to make sure she was keeping out of trouble. As I flip through the file I notice a picture that just stood out to me. I saw a picture of Mabel and Pacifica, it looked like a cookout for the charity Mabel and Pacifica had started up; however I saw two people in the background that caught my attention, I saw Wendy Corduroy and Robbie Valentino. However that's why I became suspicious, Robbie Valentino was the main drug source for this town, known for selling weed, Crystal Meth, and Cocaine to the town junkies. Two questions remained: why would Wendy be associated with a scum like that and why would a scum like that attend a charity event.

"Do you know where I can find Wendy?" I asked Candy.

"Yeah she works as a bartender for Robbie's bar" Answered Candy.

"She works for that scumbag!" I said with my anger rising at what had become of Wendy.

"It wasn't too long after this event took place that Mabel disappeared, I remember I was there to show my support" Said Candy.

"Either way if Robbie was involved it can't be good, I need to hit up that place, make him talk" I said getting ready to leave.

I turn around to face Candy who is looking cuter and cuter as she leans against the file cabinet.

"Oh thanks for the info Candy I owe you one" I Said.

"You owe me a lot of Dipper and I'm calling your tab now" Candy said Seductively.

I make my over to her side while I slip my arm around her waist and press my lips against hers. She returns the kiss as I know she wants me. I knew she had a crush on me when we first met.

"What's that get me?" I asked in a cocky tone.

"A second chance" Candy said as her blush admits her defeat.

She laughs in a coy tune as I crack a smile.

"Good lucky Dipper, find her sister then we can get back together just like old times" Said Candy.

"I promise you I will find her. I'll find out what this really is all about" I said as I leave through the door.

I put on a brave front in front of Candy but I knew anything involving Robbie Valentino was trouble, some people couldn't pay their dope payments and Robbie had to persuade those people with a baseball bat to cough up what money they had. I knew I was walking into the lion's den but it would be nice to Wendy's face after all this time.


	3. The Lion's Den

It was still early into the night as I walked to my destination, when I finally arrived at Robbies Bar also known as Robbie's Bar, no I'm not kidding that's what it was called, the guy didn't have a creative bone in his body. I pushed the door that let me in, good no one bothered to look up at me, while the band in the background played some depressing Emo music. It wasn't long before I spotted Wendy as she was tending bar for the drunken losers who tried pathetically to flirt with her, I made my way to the bar with my hands still in my coat pockets . It had been a long while since I had seen her last. One of the drunks passed out on the bar, I merely pushed him aside onto the floor, he'll feel that in the morning.

"Well well well we haven't seen you around in a while Dipper" Said Wendy coming over to me.

"Hi Wendy, it's been too long," I said with a smile.

"What can I do for you? Or did you just come over to see me" Said Wendy returning the smile.

"Well I've come to talk to your boss but maybe I'll stay here with your more pleasant company" I flirted.

"Always the sweet talk huh Dipper, but we both know you came here to talk to Robbie" Said Wendy in a sassy tone.

"Where is the head scumbag tonight anyway?" I asked which made Wendy chuckle.

"He's in the office upstairs, said he had to make an important phone call, why do you wanna see him anyway?" Asked Wendy as she poured me a small glass of bourbon.

"It's just a hunch, but Pacifica came to me about my sister missing, and the last known picture of her in this area, I saw Robbie in the picture, and given his new reputation around here I knew he's gotta know something about Mabel missing" I explained.

Wendy's face went dead serious, she froze for a minute before regaining her composure. She knew something, if I wanted more answers I'd have to keep pushing.

"Pacifica mentioned something about her and Mabel opening a charity together, and a picture showed you were at the opening with Robbie" I explained, all the time Wendy's expression getting more and more paranoid looking.

"Alright I do know something but I can't tell you here, meet me back in the alley after my shift's off in a few minutes" Whispered Wendy.

"What are you talking about? I asked before I felt two large hands on my shoulders.

"Mister Valentino would like to have a word with you mister" Said the bar's bouncer, built like a tank but the brain of a primate.

"C'mon now we don't want any trouble" Said the second bouncer.

I took a swig of my bourbon, I know I wasn't gonna get far if I resisted.

"Alright now I'm ready" I said, in a split second I was being rushed towards the main office.

When I entered the main office I saw Robbie sitting in a chair with his feet on top of his desk smoking a cigarette with one hand and a glass of vodka in his hand, he had a crazy look in his eyes.

"That'll be all gentlemen" Said Robbie as he made a hand gesture for the bouncer to leave.

"So what this I hear you've come to talk to me Dipper, last time I checked you wanted nothing to do with me" Said Robbie with a smug look on his face.

"Believe me if I didn't have to be here I wouldn't be, but I need answers" I said sitting in one of the two chair in front of his desk.

"Answers about what? it's not like we've kept in touch since you've been gone" Said Robbie, little did he know I was tired of his act.

"Let's cut to the chase, Robbie Mabel's missing she was last seen in a picnic for the opening of a charity, I know you were there, and I also know you're not a charitable person you never make a move unless it benefits you or your trade" I said with contempt for him.

"Dipper, Dipper I don't know what you mean, can't a man change in this town, maybe I just wanted to help out" Said Robbie with the same smug look on his face while he sipped his drink.

He had gotten close while his drink was in his hand after he took another sip of his drink I lunged for him. I grabbed the hand that he had the drink in and I quickly crushed it, Robbie seathed in pain from the broken shards of glass cut into his hand as I kept them in place.

"No more lies Robbie, I know you were there for other reasons, now tell me!" I said as I crushed the glass more into his hand.

"Oh god, please I don't know what you're talking about I was there cause I wanted to give back" Cried Robbie now on his knees.

I crushed the glass harder.

"Ahhhhh!, Ok, ok I was paid to be there, it was supposed to be just a usual pick up job, simple snatch and go" Confessed Robbie.

"Stealing from a charity how low can you get" I said making sure he felt the pain from the broken glass.

"And who paid you to be there?!" I asked.

"I don't know, I swear I don't know their name, I never met with them personally, whoever they are they always sent someone in their place to do their dirty work" Confessed Robbie.

"God this is a waste of time, you're too stupid, I'm gonna get answers from a reliable source, oh and Robbie you might wanna put some ice on that" I said letting go of Robbie's bloody hand and exiting through the door.

I walked down the stairs where I noticed Wendy was getting done with her shift, I walked over to her, she looked nervous as she kept looking around as if she was making sure no one was watching us.

"Mind if we have that talk now" I said to Wendy.

She motioned with her eyes to the exit that led to the alleyway. We stood under a small light pole in the alleyway, there we stood just outside of the bar. The alley was dark and had a dangerous feeling to it and me and Wendy were surrounded by it. I knew Wendy knew something but whatever it was she was clearly nervous about what she knew. She nervously lit up a cigarette and one for me as well, she was shaking as she took a drag off of her cigarette before she started talking.

"I heard that Robbie had gotten into some legal trouble, the charity was to help stomp out crime in Gravity falls, he asked me out to the party for the charity but he hardly spoke a word to me, however he was talking with Gideon while he was there the too seemed pretty friendly towards each other, probably because their both narcissistic pricks" Said Wendy before taking another drag on her cigarette.

"That's good to know but what does this have to do with Mabel?" I asked.

"Well Mabel caught him trying to steal some money from the charity and called him out on it, not long after that Mabel disappeared, no one's seen her around after that" Explained Wendy.

"You think he had something to do with it?" I asked while clenching my fists.

"I think so" Said Wendy solemnly.

This was going great. I was finally getting somewhere, at the same time I was furious that Robbie might have played a role in Mabel's disappearance. I was finally gonna have the answers I craved, I felt invincible. When suddenly I felt like a train had slammed into my face, my body made contact with the ground, as soon as I realized what was going on I could hear Wendy screaming as I was being lifted up off the ground by the two bouncers and in front of me I saw Robbie with his hand bandaged up he slammed his fist into my stomach a couple times. Before he slipped on some brass knuckles to his uninjured hand.

"Shut that bitch up" Said Robbie as some big guy kept his hand over Wendy's mouth.

"I'm gonna enjoy this!" Said Robbie before he hit me in the face with brass knuckles.

Eventually I passed out from the attack, I was drifting in and out of consciousness but I saw flashes of what they were doing, I blacked out again when I opened my eyes this time they were loading me into a car without a driver. I'm powerless to stop them all I can do is be thrown into the car and wait, I'm lying in the backseat when I hear Robbie's voice.

"You really should have learned to keep your nose out of other people's business, it wasn't supposed to be like this Dipper if you kept out of this, it would have gone a lot smoother, but you just had to be the hero, well I hope it was worth it" Said Robbie, as I lay against the seated of the back of the car.

Then I feel the car moving it feels in a downward motion, slowly I can see through the front window I'm headed for a cliff, as fast as I can in my condition I use all my might to push open the door and jump out the door of the moving car just before it goes over the hill, I heard the metallic crunching of the car as it smashed down on the sharp rocks at the bottom of the cliff. The cliff isn't too far away from town as I can still see the lights of the town. I know it's going to be tough but I knew I was gonna have to walk back to town, it wasn't far but in my weakened condition it was still gonna be a challenge.

After at least an hour and a half of walking I made it back to my office, I down the bourbon right out of the bottle to numb the pound of my head and face that both feel swollen. When suddenly the phone in my office started ringing. I picked it up.

"Yeah who is it?" I asked.

"Dipper it's me Pacifica, you're in danger" She said with concern in her voice.

"Tell me something I don't know, I just almost got killed tonight" I said, a bit annoyed.

"Oh no, listen I think some men were following me but I think I lost them, meet me at my hotel room, I just found out something about Mabel" Explained Pacifica.

"What is it?" I said as she had regained my attention.

"Not over the phone, let's meet in person" Said Pacifica before she hung up.

Without much choice I took some painkillers and mixed them with bourbon before heading out once again into the night, this night just kept getting interesting


End file.
